Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Tales of the Sea – The Beast of Flotsam Bay

Ditto’s Tales of the Sea – The Beast of Flotsam Bay! Click to Listen!!

As originally heard on Pieces of Eight Radio on Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

Intro music is ‘Aether Shanties‘ by Abney Park. The story is based on the song ‘The Beast of Pirates Bay‘ by Voltaire.

Ditto: Welcome back, weary travelers, to another stirring nautical yarn

Miss Narrator: Yarn – that’s funny…

Ditto: Why is that funny?

Miss Narrator: Because you’re, you know… kinda made of it.

Ditto: Kinda made of… Ha ha very funny… well jokes or not, you should pay heed to this tale, because it may just save your life! Listen closely as I tell you the tale of the Beast of Flotsam Bay!

Miss Narrator: Flotsam Bay – is that in the Bahamas somewhere? It sounds lovely, in a ‘I should get a tetanus shot’ kind of way…

Ditto: No, Flotsam is in far darker waters than the Bahamas… Flotsam is off the coast of old Skull Island, and it’s as strange a place as you might see out on the aether… Legend tells that it was a huge battle that started Flotsam – two rival pirate crews fought brutally, locked in near legendary combat for a full day and night… when the cannons and the clanging of cutlasses were finally silenced and all the smoke cleared, both ships had lost all their sails and they were sitting dead in the water, just staring at each other….

Miss Narrator: You mean after all that combat, they only managed to hit each other’s sails?

Ditto: Apparently they weren’t particularly good shots… Anyway, the crews, in order to save themselves, found it mutually beneficial to lash their ships together, at first as a lifeboat, and then as a home. Eventually, more and more ships lashed themselves onto the rapidly growing floating island, and Flotsam was born. To this day, the topsy-turvy pirates’ haven continues to grow and thrive, a go-to destination for pirates and scalawags alike…

Miss Narrator: It sounds like a rough place… .

Ditto: Not at all – The pirates of Flotsam actually took up gentler trades, and the place soon became famous as a market where captains could buy or sell goods from just about anywhere, without paying taxes to some distant king. There’s not much a pirate couldn’t find in flotsam, if he knows where to look…, and to this day pirates and villains who need a place to hide vanish into Flotsam’s bewildering maze of decks and cabins.,

Miss Narrator: That sounds fascinating, but what about this beast?

Ditto: Well, the story of Flotsam is well known – heck, anybody with a web browser could read all about it online. What them fancy websites don’t tell you, though, is a far darker and more sinister tale, and it has to do with a sign, nailed to the sun-bleached wood not far from the Flotsam docs – A sign that says ‘Beware the beast of Flotsam Bay’!

Miss Narrator: A sign, huh? Oh this should be good…

Ditto: Some say he was but a wee guppy that a child threw into the sea, but now he’s eaten so many pirates that he’s bigger than a tree….

Miss Narrator: Did you just rhyme?

Ditto: He teeth are as sharp as razors and his claws are just like knives! And if you think he’s ugly wait ‘till you see his insides! ….

Miss Narrator: OK, enough with the rhyming – you’re making this up.

Ditto: No, it’s all true! You’ve heard of captain hook, right?

Miss Narrator: Sure – tall guy, scraggly beard, good with kids?

Ditto: That’s him, yeah. Well, he dropped his iphone overboard in old Flotsam Bay, and then reached into the water to try to save it!

Miss Narrator: Then what happened?

Ditto: Now he’s got two hooks, and no iphone.. .

Miss Narrator: Oh really? That could have been anything – a crocodile even…

Ditto: Well, you’ve heard about Blackbeard, right?

Miss Narrator: Of course – who hasn’t? I’ve heard he’s terrifying, especially because of that black beard of his…

Ditto: Well, HE was sailing in Flotsam Bay and saw the creature – just a glimpse mind you!

Miss Narrator: And what happened?

Ditto: His beard turned snow white! Not nearly so terrifying now – looks a lot like Santa…

Miss Narrator: Oh come on now… You’re making that up. That doesn’t seem likely at all…

Ditto: Still doubt me? You’ve heard of Easter Island, right?

Miss Narrator: Where all the original inhabitants mysteriously vanished?

Ditto: Yup – That was the beast… Flotsam floated a little too close to the shores and… gulp!

Miss Narrator: I’m pretty sure that’s not a real story, Ditto.

Ditto: Real story – why, that is the real story! A terrible creature that lurks beneath the dark waters of Flotsam! You can hear his moans across a moonless night…

Miss Narrator: So tell me this, then… why does that sign look like it’s in your handwriting?

Ditto: What? No, that’s… Oh, OK… since it’s just you and me… just come a little closer if you really want to know the whole story…

Miss Narrator: Ok…

Ditto: It was a while ago, when I first arrived in Flotsam, just looking for adventure.

Miss Narrator: You mean you were lost….

Ditto: Well, maybe looking for adventure AND directions… anyway, I was in flotsam and came across flotsam bay.. there I saw a creature; big, white, with a giant mouth and huge fins… it was terrifying!

Miss Narrator: so the creature is real?

Ditto: Well… yes, but it was in distress and very sad. It was trapped, you see, in all the crazy ropes and riggings that help hold Flotsam together. I tried for hours, but I couldn’t budge the creature, which was stuck half in and half out of the water… I did everything I could, but the monster was held fast.

Miss Narrator: Well it doesn’t seem like it was too dangerous…

Ditto: Oh no – he wasn’t dangerous at all, he just wanted to get away, but I couldn’t help him.

Miss Narrator: Well, why the sign and all the stories then?

Ditto: Well even though he was trapped and pretty harmless, he was such a fearsome and monstrous looking beast that he would have made a great catch for any pirate who wandered by and wanted a fearsome trophy to prove how cunning and awesome he was. So I posted that sign and then started the stories, tales of the vicious man-eating monster they call ‘The Beast of Flotsam Bay’….

Miss Narrator: Well that’s actually kind of a nice story, Ditto. And all this time you’ve been taking care of the beast and feeding him…

Ditto: Feeding?

Miss Narrator: Then how did – you know what, never mind – I don’t really want to know, and so I don’t have to think about it any more, let’s call it an episode.

Ditto: Oh OK – you know it’s hard to come up with stuff to talk about when you’re not supposed to talk about anything…

Miss Narrator: Join us again next time where Ditto might tell you about an exciting fishin trip where he didn’t actually catch anything…

Ditto: Hey no spoilers…

Miss Narrator: We should just stick to yarn jokes…

Ditto: That wasn’t funny.

Miss Narrator: You know they laughed…

2 responses

  1. much fun, lol. this line in particular made me laugh: “Now he’s got two hooks, and no iphone”…clever, clever story telling here, thx so for sharing it. can’t wait for another “yarn”.

    July 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

  2. Duncan Daystone

    I didn’t know you listened to Abney Park! That’s pretty awesome 😀

    July 26, 2012 at 9:48 pm

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