Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 16 – Holiday Special

The Daring Adventures of Ditto, Episode 16 – Ditto Saves Santa!!

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 16 As originally heard on Ravenwood Radio episode 31

Narrator: Welcome once again to the Daring Adventures of Ditto!

Ditto: Hi everybody! So what we doing?

Narrator: Just as Ditto and Madame Jasmine were about to enter Big Ben and face the dreaded Meowiarty, they get an urgent message from Headmaster Ambrose!

Ditto: How he get us those messages anyway.

Narrator: His head pops up in a little circle and talks to you.

Ditto: That’s kinda creepy.

Narrator: Yeah a little creepy, now that you mention it… So Headmaster Ambrose has a new and even more critical mission for Ditto.

Ditto: More important than getting back the Krokonomicon?

Narrator: Yes, this sounds much more important, and it’s a mission that requires your special talents! He hands you a special glowing spiral key with a big silver snowflake on the end of it.

Ditto: Oooh Me never see a spiral key like dis one before – I’ll bet wherever it leads, it going to be cold….

Narrator: Ditto heads through the great spiral door and is immediately struck by the snowy white landscape, glittering in the early light.

Ditto: Told you it was going to be cold – Pyromnacers not really fond of the cold – Where are we anyway? Dis part of the spiral not very familiar…

Narrator: Ditto suddenly looks up to see the red and white striped pole holding a whimsical sign that reads ‘Welcome to the North Pole’.
The snowy white landscape is broken by a row of houses and cottages, all looking like gingerbread, with narrow streets lined with candy canes and snowmen.

Ditto: Are you kidding me? Is dis for real?

Narrator: It’s Very real, and before Ditto and Madame Jasmine have a chance to take it all in, three evil snowmen lumber out and face our heroes, wands raised in clawlike twig hands.

Ditto: Yikes, what dis? What going on?

Narrator: Snowballs fly in every direction as the snowmen advance, forcing Ditto and Madame Jasmine to take cover behind a gingerbread fence!

Ditto: Ouch, what going on? OK, dis not funny any more. Sun Bird, Sun Bird!

Narrator: The snowmen melt away under the fiery assault and Ditto and Madame Jasmine push forward down the eerily empty snow-swept streets. At the far end of the candy cane avenue is a huge, imposing building with giant red and green doors. The sign hangs askew, as if it was partially knocked off, but Ditto can still see the shiny gold lettering that reads ‘Santa’s Workshop’

Ditto: Santa’s Workshop?? NO WAY!!!!

Narrator: Yes way! It appears to be Santa’s workshop, but something is definitely wrong.

Ditto: Why you say dat, because of the sign hanging like dat?

Narrator: Well that, and the army of evil snowmen that seem to be surrounding the workshop. As Ditto and Madame Jasmine approach the workshop, a hundred pairs of black coal eyes and carrot noses point in their direction, filling the air with a chill that has nothing to do with the snow.

Madame Jasmine: Bwaak!

Ditto: Yeah dat’s a lot more snowmen than I’ve ever seen in one place, and dey seem kind of annoyed… And oh look, they are coming dis way… I wonder if maybe dey just want to be friends?

Narrator: Suddenly, snowballs begin to fly through the air one after the other in a shower of glittering white as Ditto and Madame Jasmine dive for cover from the relentless, icy assault!

Ditto: ahhh, too many, too many! What me do?

Narrator: Suddenly, like Obi Wan talking to Luke during the Death Star trench run, Ditto hears Headmaster Ambrose speaking to him, as if from a great distance away.

Ditto: ooh, what he say?

Narrator: ‘Can you hear me now?’

Ditto: Barely, me only have like one bar out here… Hey wait dat not funny! The evil snowmen are getting closer!

Narrator: Headmaster Ambrose tells Ditto that he was chosen specifically for this mission, because of his bravery, his cunning, and one other thing key to winning the battle, a skill that Ditto has come to master and relay on in many battles…

Ditto: Ohhhh – me get it now!!

Narrator: You do?

Ditto: You bet – Me know exactly what special skill the headmaster needs in this situation… METEOR STRIKE!!!

Narrator: And as Ditto stands and waves his staff, trails of flame swirling around him, the wintry sky opens up and pummels the approaching snowmen with flaming meteors, melting them all to slush. As Ditto and Madame Jasmine walk toward the giant workshop, only a few twitching twigs and smoldering top hats remain of the snowman army.

Ditto: Dat worked much better than I had hoped…

Narrator: Ditto and Madame Jasmine push open the huge workshop doors and see an army of another sort – elves, all slaving away on massive assembly lines, their colorful wooden hammers pounding out a dire rhythm. Ditto and Madame Jasmine see that the elves are making toys, but of a most un-festive sort. Toy skeletons, field guards, and scarlet screamers are hastily assembled and dropped into black and purple boxes, tied with big black spidery bows.

Ditto: what is going on here??

Narrator: High above the workshop floor, a menacing skeleton sits on a wicked looking version of Santa’s sleigh, overseeing the elves as they load the evil toys into the back of the fiendish black and red sleigh.

Ditto: who the heck are you and what did you do to Santa?

Narrator: The skeleton shrieks and jumps down at you, sword raised. You immediately see that it is none other than Rattlebones, the very first tower boss you ever defeated in Wizard City!

Rattlebones: That’s right, it is me, Rattlebones the mighty, rattlebones the terrifying, Rattlebones the…

Ditto: Rattlebones the guy I took out with one level two spell, on my second day of school. How have you been? you look good – you losing weight?

Rattlebones: Oh thanks, yes I’ve been working out a little and… wait, no, that’s not it! I am so SICK of getting beat up by every single little wannabe-wizard that comes through those Ravenwood doors – it gets to be really humiliating after a while.

Ditto: So, why Santa? Why try to take over something like Christmas – this has nothing to do with Ravenwood or The spiral?

Rattlebones: Well, Ravenwood is really well defended, and I saw this in a movie once – it seemed like a cool idea.

Ditto: And how, exactly, did that movie turn out for the skeleton?

Rattlebones: Hmmm – not so great, actually… but he DID learn a valuable lesson about friendship and –

Narrator: Before Rattlebones can finish whatever silly heartwarming lesson he was about to impart, Ditto blasts him into a small, smoldering crater with a Phoenix spell.

Ditto: Yeah – me not really one for imparting deep moral lessons. Me more interested in blowing stuff up, when you get right down to it… Pyromancer and all…

Narrator: With Rattlebones defeated, all the elves are set free and Santa and Mrs. Clause are released from the giant present box they were trapped in! Thanks to Ditto Christmas was saved!

Ditto: Me hope me get at least an iPod for saving Santa…

Narrator: Happy Holidays to everyone out there!! Join us again next time for more of the Daring Adventures of Ditto!

Ditto: Or at least me get a game card or something… I mean I DID save Santa, right?

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