Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 23

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 23 as NOT heard live on Ravenwood Radio 38…

Miss Narrator: Welcome once again to another exciting episode of The Daring Adventures of Ditto.

Ditto: Oh yes, very exciting – let’s watch grass grow… literally. And the grass has a face… Creepy!

Miss Narrator: Well, Marley was only vacationing for a week – this is two weeks later, so…

Ditto: Meteor Strike!!

Miss Narrator: Is that your answer for everything?

Ditto: Pretty much, yeah.

Miss Narrator: Well, Ditto and Madame Jasmine are wandering through the bamboo lined streets of Mooshu when they hear a cry of alarm coming from a nearby clearing. And don’t even THINK about meteor strike…

Ditto: I wasn’t gonna…. Oh, Ok… (sulk)

Miss Narrator: Ditto and Madame Jasmine come upon a lone monk, Yishin Chen, sitting by a well and clutching a wooden staff. He is in obvious distress.

Ditto: Do me see any huge scary monsters or unicorns around?

Miss Narrator: No, no monsters or unicorns – just a monk in a clearing, wringing his hands. Ditto and Madame Jasmine walk up to the monk, who introduces himself as Yishin Chen, a caretaker of the fabled Tree of Life.

Ditto: Oh no – no more gardening! I’m so sick of those exploding gnats!

Miss Narrator: The Tree of Life, Yishin explains, is a sacred gateway with which his order communes with the universe and keeps the sacred peace in all of Mooshu.

Ditto: Wow, that’s some tree!

Miss Narrator: Yishin tells a tale of woe, that the dreaded Oni No Death had cursed the gentle order of monks, darkness and foul creatures sweeping across the land.

Ditto: Me not like where this is going… No, not at all…

Miss Narrator: Once poisoning the land, the Death Oni entered the portal of the sacred tree and sealed it behind him, his evil death aura spreading turmoil and strife across the lands.

Ditto: Sounds like somebody needs a hug!

Miss Narrator: Yishin hands Dtto a gleaming white dagger, his eyes pleading.

Ditto: Oh don’t go giving me those big brown goat eyes… you know I can’t turn that down…what is it with you and the lamby guys and your big eyes…

Miss Narrator: DItto must battle his way to the Tree of Life and plunge the mystical dagging deep into it’s heart!

Ditto: I’m trying to go green, you know? I don’t want to be hurting a tree or anything….

Miss Narrator: The dagger will not harm the tree, but will re-open the portal and bring you to the realm of shadow, where Kagemoosha awaits.

Ditto: I would like to officially give huge props to KingsIsle for adding an Akira Kurasowa reference to the game. That is totally awesome.

Miss Narrator: Way to break down that fourth wall, Ditto.

Ditto: What now?

Miss Narrator: Kagemoosha, Yishin explains, is the first lieutenant of the great Death Oni, and only by defeating him might you hope to face Oni No Death and restore balance to the land.

Ditto: I don’t suppose we could just talk everyone into moving somewhere else, could we? Like, South Beach is really nice this time of year, not too hot…

Miss Narrator: Sure, just picture Goats and Cows rollerblading down the boardwalk…

Ditto: Oh boy… yeah, we got to fight this thing….

Miss Narrator: Emboldened by the horrible mental image the South Beach reference left behind, Ditto and Madame Jasmine work their way through the darkened landscape to the ancient tree of life. The tree is huge and it’s massive branches seem to droop, burdened with a dark energy that crackles and pops in the air like exploding gnats…

Ditto: Oh me hate those things! Yucky!

Miss Narraor: Following the instructions given to him by the monk Yishin, Ditto plunges the dagger into the heart of the great tree, the wood parting before the gleaming dagger, replaced by a swirling vortex, the portal re-opened.

Ditto: Is this the blue portal or the orange portal?

Miss Narrator: Does it matter?

Ditto: Of course it matters – I think I left the orange portal right over an acid pit.

Miss Narrator: Well just re-fire it at a safe wall when you’re done with the… wait, that’s a totally different game, and no you’re not getting any cake.

Ditto: So close…

Miss Narrator: Stepping through the swirling not-blue and not-orange portal, Ditto is greeted by a pathway through a darkened void, surrounded by flickering torches and eerie whispers. At the end of the path is a dimly lit duelling circle, and in the circle, eyes glowing in the darkness, is Kagemoosha.

Ditto: I was expecting him to be taller.

Miss Narrator: With a guttural laugh and a flash of light, Kagemoosha attacks with shambling ghouls, risen form the cursed ground.

Ditto: Meteor Strike!

Miss Narrator: The ghouls are easily dispatched by Ditto’s flaming meteors, but Kagemoosha looks unscathed by the assault. With nowhere to run for cover, Ditto and Madame Jasmine hold their ground, staring down the Death Oni’s leutenant. Ditto casts a fire blade, then Madame Jasmine adds her own firey energy to the mix, and Ditto dodges a skeletal minion of Kagemoosha as he casts trap spell after trap spell, making sure that when he unleashes his pyromancer’s fury it will be a force to behold.

Ditto: Just need to get a little closer… Almost there.

Miss Narrator: Ditto raises his staff in the air in both hands and shouts into the maelstrom of battle, a tongue of flame dancing between himself and Kagemoosha. The fiend belts out a cruel laugh as the flames surround him and barely lick at his ankles

Ditto: Wait for it…

Miss Narrator: Kagemoosha winds up, drawing in power for a massive strike, but is suddenly distracted by the flames of Ditto’s spell, still growing and feeding off trap spells. They lap up now, fierce and red and blazing hot as Kagemoosha starts to look worried.

Ditto: Wait for it….

Miss Narrator: Ditto releases a sprite who heals some of the damage he has taken, then watches as the scalding energies he unleashed finally overcome the mighty Kagemoosha, needing several turns of battle to reach their full damage. Kagemoosha falls, defeated, as Ditto and Madame Jasmine prepare for what they know is still to come.

Madame Jasmine: Bwaak!

Ditto: Dat’s right you helpled too – good girl! Now that was just the cheezy openeing band… here comes the main event….

Miss Narrator: And as the smoke clears, a figure emerges from it, shrouded in shadow, eyes blazing with menace. It is Oni No Death, the Death Oni, and the demon bellows in anger at the defeat of it’s top lieutenant.

Ditto: The mouse trick not going to work this time is it?

Miss Narrator: Not a chance.

Ditto: Bazooka? Hand grenade?

Miss Narrator: Seems unlikely.

Ditto: Then I guess I’ll have to rely on my amazing magical skills…

Miss Narrator: Yup…. we’re doomed.

Ditto: Hey now…

Miss NArrator: Join us again next time as Ditto faces down the Death Oni himself… and without resorting to cheezy parlor tricks.

Ditto: I didn’t make any promises about that….

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