Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 9

The Daring Adventures of Ditto, Episode 9 – the start of Marleybone…

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 9 as originally heard on Ravenwood Radio episode 23

New Intro Music – British Theme gag

No Music

Narrator: Welcome once again to the Daring Adventure of Ditto

Ditto: Hey wait – where the intro?

Narrator: I wanted to change it up, do something new with it now that we’re in Marleybone. Something more Representative of this new world we find ourselves in….

Ditto: Oh, you mean like dis?

— Benny Hill Theme —

Narrator: No, I was thinking something with a bit more dignity – more like this:

— Rule Britannia —

Ditto: That sounds a bit, um…. stuffy…

Narrator: Yes, I guess it does a bit… How about this then:

— Monty Python theme —

Ditto and Narrator: PERFECT!

Narrator: As Ditto and Madame Jasmine step out of the blazing hot sun of Krokotopia –

Ditto: Krokotopia? Me just left Grizzleheim, right?

Narrator: After Grizzleheim you stopped off for a quick adventure in Krokotopia, where you defeated terrifying minions of the Kroks, freed the enslaved Manders, and won the love and adoration of all!

Ditto: How me do dat?

Narrator: By defeating the dreaded Krokopatra and her terrifying forces single-handed.

Ditto: Wow, day sounds cool… can we..?

Narrator: Nope, no time, need to get to Marleybone! Sergeant Major Talbot thanks you for all your help and hard work and grants you the Spiral Key to Marleybone…

Ditto: Oooh, shiny! And what’s in Marleybone?

Narrator: In her last breath, Krokopatra told you that she no longer possesed the dreaded Krokonomicon, book of extreme naughtiness, and that it was sent to Marleybone along with several John Tesh CDs and an out of date ‘Krokotopian Swimsuit Sweethearts’ calendar…

Ditto: Bleck… John Tesh

Narrator: And now you must head through the great spiral door and find the Krokonomicon before it falls into Malistaire’s evil hands!

Madame Jasmine: Bwaak!

Ditto: Dat’s right Jasmine – let’s get going! Headmaster Ambrose is counting on us!

Narrator: So as you leave the hot sands of Krokotopia and step through the swirling spiral gateway, your feel momentarily dizzy. As you find yourself back on solid ground, you look around and immediately see you are in a huge and ornately crafted building, a cathedral with high vaulted ceilings and stained glass windows.

Ditto: (sarcastically) Oooh, ahhh….

Narrator: A sharp-dressed Marleybonian soldier introduces himself as Private Finchley and snaps you a quick salute, explaining that the crates containing the Krokonomicon were sent directly to the Royal Museum. He gives you quick directions on how to get there and tells you to talk to Clancy Pembroke, the curator there. He opens the large brass and wooden door for you and points your way down the road, through Regents Square and to the Royal Museum, where…

Ditto: Oh my goodness what is dat smell?

Narrator: What?

Ditto: Dat smell? When he opened the doors it just filled the place. It smells like…. stale dog biscuits and wet fur?

Narrator: I’m sure it’s not that bad…

Ditto: And look at dis place! It’s so dirty… look at all the papers blowing around, and the cups and stuff… It looks so dingy here!

Narrator: It’s not dingy it’s just dark out.. I’m sure when the sun comes up it will look wonderful.

Ditto: Unless the sun here shoots out beams of scrubbing bubbles I don’t think ‘looking wonderful’ is in our future…

Narrator: Well lucky for you your first quest reward is ‘gloves of hand-sanitizer’ with a +10 against germs… can we focus on the Daring Adventure at hand?

Ditto: Yeah sure, sorry…

Narrator: You head across Regent Park to the huge, imposing structure of The Royal Museum. Inside you find Clancy Pembroke, the fussy curator of the museum. He tells you that there is no way you can go look for the Krokonomicon without the permission of the Mayor.

Ditto: Really? Why is that?

Narrator: It’s because… well, it’s just because. He sends you to Digmoore Station to get permission from the mayor himself…

Ditto – wow, talk about quick escalation. From security guard to curator to mayor – Who’s left?

Narrator: You get directions to Digmoore station and head, oddly enough, to the roof. It seems that the main mode of transportation in Marleybone is airships

Ditto: Ooooh cool! that looks fun!

Narrator: The mayor would be happy to help you!

Ditto: Oh good, so lets get…

Narrator: but unfortunately, he’s not feeling well.

Ditto: Huh?

Narrator: Yes – he has a tummyache. He needs you to go down to the post office for him.

Ditto: The post office? for a tummyache?

Narrator: He needs a special herbal remedy the postmaster can make him.

Ditto: How nice for him, but I’m on a critical mission here, I need to get access to the Krokonomicon and get it back to Wizard City before Malistaire gets his hands on it!

Narrator: Yes, and you can get right on that… as soon as you get the mayor a rememdy for his tummyache.

Ditto: Sigh. OK, so I hurry back down to the post office and ask for the herbal remedy thingy.

Narrator: Sadly, the post master is out of berries…

Ditto: I see where dis is going…

Narrator: So you need to head to Unicorn Way, back in wizard City, to pick some goji berries for him.

Ditto: Back to Wizard City? Are you serious? The Krokonomicon is in a box like two hundred feet from here, and I need to go back to wizard city to pick berries??

Narrator: If you want the book, yep, looks that way.

Ditto: So me and Madame Jasmine head allllll the way back to Wizard City, over the rainbow bridge, and headed into Unicorn Way, where I go to the park and pick a pocket full of berries…

Narrator (enthusiatically): Great job!

Ditto: Yeah wonderful… So me and Madame Jasmine hurry back through the spiral door, over to Marleybone, to the post office, and had the berries over to the postmaster.

Narrator: The post master thanks you, then looks forlorn.

Ditto: Oh boy. Here we go again…

Narrator. To finish the herbal remedy for the mayor, he needs special frosted water

ditto: He needs what now? How do you frost water??

Narrator: First you need to go to Krokotopia to get water from the well in the Oasis

Ditto: What?? There’s a fountain right outside, it’s the size of a lagoon, you can’t get water from there?

Narrator: It has to be frosted water, though…

Ditto: Dat still makes no sense!

Narrator: Ditto and Madame Jasmine head back through the spiral door, this time returning to the sun-drenched realms of Krokotpia, drawing a vial of water from the deep, clear well in the oasis.

Ditto: Just looks like water to me….

Narrator: Now you need to get it frosted.

Ditto: Where is the frosting?

Narrator: Not that kind of frosting. It needs to be chilled, frozen…

Ditto: Ah, dat makes sense – not really – but I know from my recent adventures here that there is a whole tomb of ice, with frozen lakes and fountains and all kinds of icy-

Narrator: You need to go to see Kelvin, the ice school tree back at Ravenwood, and ask for his help.

Ditto: Of course I do…. Sigh. so Me and Madame Jasmine head once again through the spiral doorway, traveling to Wizard City and Ravenwood school. We hurry to talk to Kelvin the tree, who makes polite conversation and then blows on our Krokotopian well water, frosting it adequately. We then hurry back through the spiral doorway and head BACK to Marleybone, where we run through Regents square until we make it back to the post office, frosted water in hand…

Narrator: Before your eyes the post master mixes up his special herbal brew and hands it back to you and asks you to deliver it to the mayor, post-haste.

Ditto: I don’t even argue any more. I hurry back up to digmoore station and hand the fizzing drink to the mayor.

Narrator: The mayor gulps down the tonic and burps, then smiles and thanks Ditto for his help.

Ditto: think nothing of it. Now, about that book at the Royal Museum…

Narrator: The mayor tells you that there is a lot of crime in Marleybone, and before you can have access to the book, you nee to help clean up the streets…

Ditto: I need to what now?

Narrator: And he tells you to go talk to Sherlock Bones, his chief detective, to see what you can do…

Ditto: You have got to be kidding me… the book is right over there!! You’re selling copies in the gift shop!! I mean come on, it’s right there, all I need to do is…

Narrator: Join us again next time for more Marleybone excitement with the Daring Adventures of Ditto!!

Ditto: Oh come on, the book is right there… I could just borrow it for a couple minutes maybe…???

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