Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 19

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 19 As heard on Ravenwood Radio Episode 34, Sun Study Hall!

The Daring Adventures of Ditto, Episode 19

Theme Song – Turning Japanese

Miss Narrator: Welcome once again to the Daring Adventures of Ditto

Ditto: does this mean we in Mooshu now? Me thought we was in Grizzleheim again?

Miss Narrator: No, I decided we need something new. I mean, we already spent months trekking deeper and deeper into the deep, dark woods of grizzleheim, seeing you get beat up repeatedly. How much deeper and darker can you get without it becoming, you know…

Ditto: With all the crazy, insane, hungry, poisonous creatures in those woods, I know you were not about to say ‘boring’

Miss Narrator: No, I was going to say Tedious, uninteresting, and unvaried…

Ditto: Which are all synonyms for Boring… I can go to thesaurus.com too, you you…

Miss Narrator: What’s that you said about combo number five?

Ditto: I didn’t say anything about- wait, me smell it too… mmmm eggrolls! OK, let’s get to Mooshu!! Everything in grizzleheim want to eat me anyway..

Miss Narrator: As Ditto passes through the spiral door he enters a warm, green place, full of wonderful smells and rich warm colors.

Ditto: Mmmmmm

Miss Narrator: As ditto passes over a tranquil wooden bridge over a gently flowing koi pond, he meets Su Lee, royal greeter to The Emperor himself.

Ditto: She’s a cow…

Miss Narrator: That’s not polite, Ditto, I’m sure she’s…

Ditto: No, I mean look at her. She’s an actual cow… Like, mooooo, I’m a cow. Wearing a robe, apparently.

Miss Narrator: Eh – you’ve got to admit, you’ve seen weirder…

Ditto: Very true. So anyway, nice to meet you Su Lee. I would like three eggrolls, some crab rangoons, and a large order of beef fried rice… Ooooh, sorry about that. Chicken, I meant CHICKEN fried rice. did NOT mean to say beef, no sireee…

Madame Jasmine: Bwaak!

Ditto: You only SOUND like a chicken, for whatever reason. When I start ordering dinosaur chow mein, you can start worrying about job security…

Miss Narrator: Riiight… so Su Lee smiles and bows to Ditto and tells him that no one may speak to the emperor.

Ditto: The emperor? Is that like the head cook? Look, Su Lee, I’m just trying to place an order here… Can you add some extra duck sauce?

Miss Narrator: She tells Ditto that to complete his mission, he must speak with Noboru Akitame, the palace guardian, and that only he can help Ditto in his quest.

Ditto: Oh, me get it now – Su Lee is just the greeter, and me have to place my order with this Noboru guy. That makes perfect sense – me not go to a lot of these really fancy restaurants…

Miss Narrator: As Ditto enters the courtyard of the grand Jade Palace, he is dwarfed by a massive statue of a cow sitting peacefully in a meditative pose.

Ditto: Don’t say it… please don’t say –

Miss Narrator: It is a statue of the Moodha, the spiritual guide of Mooshu

Ditto: She said it… I’m beginning to see a trend with this ‘moo’ business…

Miss Narrator: That’s good because they’re laying it on pretty thick…

Ditto: So where is this Akitame guy anyway? I still haven’t placed my order!

Miss Narrator: Ditto finds the noble sam -moo – rai

Ditto: Ow

Miss Narrator: standing on the steps of the Jade Palace, looking concerned.

Ditto: Finally! So I’d like thee eggrolls, and an order of Crab Rangoon with extra duck sauce, and some beef fried – no chicken, chicken fried rice!! got to remember that…

Miss Narrator: Noboru tells Ditto that the Emperor is gravely ill, and that no one may enter the Jade Palace. It seems Malistaire has been up to his old tricks here in Mooshu and has caused all manner of problems.

Ditto: Giant evil robots?

Miss Narrator: Um, no, but it’s –

DItto: Then it can’t be that bad. As I was saying, I want eggrolls and –

Miss Narrator: Noboru tells you that in order to complete your quest, you must pass three tests –

Ditto: I have to take a test to get eggrolls? Seriously? These had better be some amazing eggrolls that’s all I’m sayin’

Miss Narrator: Noboru tells you that you must meet with Lo Pang

Ditto: The old guy from Big Trouble in Little China?

Miss Narrator: No, that’s Lo Pan, totally different…

Ditto: Ah, yes, and the guy in Big Trouble in Little China wasn’t a goat, either…

Miss Narrator: Yes, that’s a pretty important distinction as well. So Ditto makes his way to Lo Pang, a monk at the Jade Palace.

Ditto: Yes, I’d like three egg rolls, an order of crab ran –

Miss Narrator: Lo Pang sets you on three tasks, the first of which –

Ditto: I’m not getting any eggrolls, am I?

Miss Narrator: It doesn’t look like it now, does it?

Ditto: And instead of delicious eggrolls and fried rice in my future, there will be lots of monsters and stuff to fight, huh?

Miss Narrator: Odd are pretty good on that, yeah.

Ditto: So, let’s just break this down – new world, beautiful and tranquil landscape, but no eggrolls and no fried rice until I defeat some horrible dark monsters and save the world?

Narrator: That about sums it up, yes.

Ditto: Of course it does…

Miss NArrator: Join us again next time for even more daring adventurers of Ditto!!

Ditto: I need a monster-free vacation… or at least some crab rangoons…

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