Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 14

The Daring Adventures of Ditto, Episode 14

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 14 as originally heard on Ravenwood Radio Episode 29

Narrator: Welcome once again to another exciting episode of The Daring Adventures of Ditto! When last we left our intrepid explorers, Ditto had dropped a meteor on a Mime…

Ditto: I swear I thought he was a zombie!

Narrator: Yes, a terrifying Zombie mime. Thank heavens, you saved us all from a terrible, yet unusually quiet – death.

Ditto: I did say I was sorry…

Narrator: Of course you did. Anyway, Once the whole ‘zombie’ scare and Celestia fever had dies down and things got back to normal – well, as normal as one can expect in an alternate Great Britain populated by dogs…

Ditto: What not normal about that?

Narrator: Riiiight… So given all the available information, Sherlock bones and his assistant Watson deduce that the true mastermind behind all of the nefarious goings-on is none other than

Ditto: John Tesh?

Narrator: Close, but no. Apparently it’s someone named Meowiarty – Sherlock Bone’s nemesis.

Ditto: OK, let’s go get him!

Narrator: Not yet – we have no idea where he is. To find him you need to defeat some guy named Professor Katzenstein.

Ditto: Katzenstein? Oh no, I think that’s my dentist…

Narrator: You don’t have any teeth.

Ditto: Exactly…

Narrator: oooh, yeah, got it… Anyway, apparently Katzenstein is the one responsible for creating all these metal robot bad guys that have been terrorizing Marleybone – he’s working for Meowiarty, and Watson discovered the location of this lab. Get over there and find out where Meowiarty is!

Ditto: And let me guess – this is going to involve a complex series of locked doors and I will need to defeat multiple bad guys in order to unlock each door with some bizarre combination or sequence of events?

Narrator: Yeah, pretty much. Just wait until you get to the smoke stacks…

Ditto: That’s what I figured. These nefarious bad guys must all read the same do-it-yourself magazines…

Narrator: Yeah – or maybe it’s ‘Evil schemes for dummies’…

Ditto: I wonder if you can get that from Harold Argleston in the Library?

Narrator: I wouldn’t ask him – based on past experience it will probably be missing and you’ll need to go on a whole series of quests and defeat Malistaire himself to bring it back….

Ditto: Yeah no kidding – I’ll pass.

Narrator: So Ditto and Madame Jasmine talk to Watson and make their way into Katzensteins’ Lab. As expected, they are immediately confronted by a huge locked gate – Watson somehow knows that the only way to get the combination is to defeat a giant mechanical guy named firegut, who seems really cranky. Get it – mechanical, cranky….

Ditto: Ow What’s with the puns? They do more damage than a helephant…
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Narrator: Nobody appreciates classic humor any more… so anyway, ditto and Madame Jasmine carefully make their way to Firegut’s lair.

Ditto: Meteor Strike

Narrator: And Firegut, as his name may imply, has a significant resistance to fire spells. You do three damage.

Ditto: Three??

Narrator: Yup – he looks really annoyed now…

Ditto: Um…. Me have to rethink this… Let me see, me never tried this….

Narrator: A black swirl of energy fills the room and surrounds Firegut AND Ditto.

Ditto: Uh oh – what dat do?

Narrator: Firegut attacks, the black mist surrounding Ditto seeming to amplify Firegut’s spell and slam Ditto for huge damage, knocking him to his knees

Ditto: Ouch!! What was dat?

Narrator: Firegut pulls back and Ditto can see he’s buffing himself, getting ready for the final blow.

Ditto: what me do now? Hmm, not fire, not fire… Oh, me never try dis before…

Narrator: As Ditto casts the spell, the ground opens up and a coffin emerges. A vampire bat pops out and attacks Firegut, the spell amplified many times by the black swirling mists surrounding him. Firegut is knocked out of the battle and Ditto feels new health and energy flow into him as the vampire channels energy into him.

Ditto: Woohoo!! I could get used to this! Thank you Edward!

Narrator: Whatever – I’m team Jacob

Ditto: Face it, you just like fur.

Narrator: You wish. So you get the code for the first door and…

Ditto: And let me guess, there’s another locked door and I have to fight something else?

Narrator: A big mechanical steampunk spider.

Ditto: Did we learn nothing from Will Smith?

Narrator: Apparently not. So Ditto and Madame Jasmine make their way to the second warehouse to face clanker, the previously mentioned giant steampunk spider.

Ditto: And again with the spiders, Why is it always spiders?

Narrator: Could be worse

Ditto: How?

Narrator: I don’t know I was just trying to be nice. Spiders actually are pretty awful.

Ditto: Gee thanks.

Narrator: The evil mechanical spider hisses and clicks as he taunts Ditto in a hollow mechanical voice, then starts throwing spells – Ditto is hit and takes cover, preparing his mystical energies.

Ditto: So is this one of those flame-retardant monsters?

Narrator: Nope – so you’re free to…

Ditto: Meteor Strike!! Meteor Strike Meteor Strike!

Narrator: And after dropping what seems like half the moon on his opponent, Ditto is victorious!

Ditto: Go me, go me!

Narrator: We’ve already had the discussion about how when you drop meteors on all your opponents…

Ditto: Yeah yeah it not dat exciting, I get it. I’m just getting pretty well beat up here, needed a break. Remember when Indiana Jones was fighting all the bad guys in the Egyptian market, and when the sword guy came after him….

Narrator: Ah, bringing a gun to a sword fight, gotcha. well congratulations, you’ve uncovered the second combination, which is ironically very similar to the first combination.

Ditto: Wow – that’s actually the same combination I used on my luggage… Have to fix that.

Narrator: Combination in hand, Ditto opens the second of the locked doors and make it to the main gates of Katzensteins lab, but this, too, is locked tight…

Ditto: Oh come on now, are you kidding me? Who do I have to fight now?

Narrator: Actually this time there’s a book with a cryptic riddle.

Ditto: A riddle? Can me just fight someone instead?

Narrator: No, sorry – the book says that to clear the way, you have to clear the air…

Ditto: Clear the air? You mean, like… well, OK, I ran out of strawberry shampoo so I used the melon cucumber stuff you left in the…

Narrator: that’s not shampoo it’s body wash

Ditto: That’s OK, my body is furry, same difference…

Narrator: Yuck. In any case, that’s not what ‘clear the air’ means… it means you have to stop five chimneys from belching thick black smoke into the air.

Ditto: Really? How does that open a gate?

Narrator: I have no idea… it must be magic.

Ditto: Sigh… Ok here me go.

Narrator: Ditto and Madame Jasmine explore all the rooftops until they find all five chimneys and cap them, stopping the smoke and clearing the air. They return to the gate to Katzenstein’s lab and find it wide open.

Ditto: that was so weird. I mean, haven’t they ever heard of a padlock? Maybe a deadbolt? That must be very inconvenient when company comes over…

Narrator: Ditto steps into the deep shadow of the lab and hears maniacal cackling, as well as the sounds of electrical devices spinning and sparking. The whole place is bathed in an unearthly bluish glow.

Ditto: Dis does not look good. Maybe we come back later, when the crazy person is not home…

Narrator: Join us again next time as Ditto faces his most difficult challenge yet – facing the insane Professor Katzenstein and his army of maniac mechanical minions!!

Ditto: Army?? what army?

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