Ditto the Monster looks at the world of family friendly online games from a Fabricated American perspective

Episode 11

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 11

The Daring Adventures of Ditto – Episode 11 as originally heard on Ravenwood Radio Episode 25

Miss Narrator: Welcome once again to the daring adventures of Ditto! When we last met, our intrepid duo was sent out by Sherlock Bones’ assistant Miss Conrail, searching for the elusive informant Baxter and digging up the dirt on the criminal underground in Marleybone.

Ditto: Hey, where all the Star Wars references go?

Miss Narrator: What, you want to get sued by Lucas?

Ditto: Oh yeah, good point…

Miss Narrator: So Miss Conrail, trusted assistant of Sherlock Bones, says she has a lead on Baxter! She has it on good authority that he is being kept in a safe house, and that all you need to do is go get him and lead him into protective custody.

Ditto: Oh cool, sounds easy, what’s the address? I’ll go get him…

Miss Narrator: Miss Conrail says that he can actually be found at one of THREE safe houses, you just need to check each one until you find him.

Ditto: Oh really? So, she knows he’s in a ‘safe house’ but she’s not sure which one? And I can assume, from doing this for eleven episodes now, that these ‘Safe Houses’ aren’t particularly hard to find?

Miss Narrator: Well, there is that big arrow outside that says ‘Safe House’…

Ditto: Okay, got it. Me all set – just let me head back to Wizard City before I go. Me need to talk to Professor Falmea…. I have to, um, turn in my book report before it’s late

Miss Narrator: Oh sure, of course – don’t want to get poor grades because of all this adventuring!!

Ditto: OK, thanks a lot!

Miss Narrator: So once Ditto turns in his homework, he’s off to the first safe house. He slowly opens the door and steps inside the grimy, dimly-lit warehouse, peering through the gloom.

Ditto: Wait for it…

Miss Narrator: He sees a lone figure in the room with his back to the door… could his search be over so soon?

Ditto: Wait for it…

Miss Narrator: But before Ditto can check to see if it’s Baxter, the trap is sprung and he’s surrounded by dangerous thugs, teeth bared, ready to duel!

Ditto: There it is, right on time…. (Sarcastic) Oh dear, it is a trap, what a terrible surprise this is, I never saw this coming! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Miss Narrator: Um, yes… so Ditto and Madame Jasmine are surrounded by angry, vicious thugs and the magic starts flying around the gloomy abandoned warehouse.

Ditto: Fire Blade

Miss Narrator: Yes, Ditto throws a Fire Blade out, the burning red energies glowing around him, strengthening and building the ferocity of his pyromancers’ magic!

Madame Jasmine: Bwaaak!!

Miss Narrator: And yes, Madame Jasmine also casts a fire blade, surrounding Ditto in yet more crimson red energy!! Meanwhile the thugs are pulling out all the stops and cast spell after spell at our heroes! A swarm of lightning bats swarms around them, a terrifying banshee shrieks into the night air, and yet our heroes remain calm, the glimmer of a cumming plan shining in Ditto’s big, ping-pong ball eyes…

Ditto: Hey now, dats not nice, me have my father’s eyes… of course dey were ping pong balls too…

Miss Narrator: Ditto raises his ascendant staff above his head and shouts out new and terrifying words of power, causing the very air in the safe house to crackle with fiery malice, and then… Oh my!

Ditto: Dat’s right – Professor Falmea taught Ditto a new trick…

Miss Narrator: The air swirls with fiery clouds and huge flaming meteors crash through the ceiling and pummel all of the thugs surrounding Ditto and Madame Jasmine, causing them all to scurry away in flaming, smoldering terror. Ditto wipes his hands together with a satisfied smile and leaves the safe house, confident that Baxter is nowhere to be found.

Ditto: See, there is nothing wrong with studying hard – sometimes you get a good grade, maybe get to go out for Pizza with your friends, and sometimes you learn a spell to drop huge chunks of flaming intergalactic fury on your unsuspecting foes…

Miss Narrator: Indeed… Didn’t see that one coming. So Ditto and Madame Jasmine head through the streets to find the second safe house and, hopefully, Baxter the informant.

Ditto: Let’s just say me not holding my breath on dat one…

Miss Narrator: Like the last safe house, this one is shrouded in gloom and cobwebs and, before they know it, Ditto and Madame Jasmine are surrounded by…

Ditto: Meteor Strike

Miss Narrator: Can we at least get to the…

Ditto: Sure, of course – growl growl growl, menace menace menace, you’ll never find Baxter, blah blah blah, and… Meteor Strike!!!

Miss Narrator: (Flatly) and once again the thugs run terrified, their tails smoldering behind them. You realize this isn’t all that exciting…

Ditto: What? In what universe is a wizard and a dinosaur fighting crime by dropping meteors out of the sky onto the bad guys NOT exciting? Personally I am very excited. Giddy even….

Miss Narrator: Well yes, but there is ‘exciting for the furry orange monster who is sometimes fascinated by shiny marbles’ and then there is ‘exciting for everyone else listening’. Call me crazy, but I’m trying to aim more for that second group, you know?

Ditto: Well, I kind of see your point – Me guess dropping meteors on everyone who attacks me not all that exciting from an outside perspective…

Miss Narrator: Exactly!

Ditto: It still really cool though!! I mean – meteors!! Seriously!!

Miss Narrator: Yes, it’s very cool that you can drop flaming balls of space rock on your opponents. I’m very proud. Can we move on now?

Ditto: Sure, OK, that sound good.

Miss Narrator: (clears throat) So after Ditto and Madame Jasmine check all the safe houses, they return to Miss Conrail to report that Baxter was nowhere to be seen. Fortunately for our heroes, Miss Conrail has new information and knows where Baxter is!

Ditto: Seriously? We have been getting attacked and blowing stuff up with meteors – boring meteors, apparently – and just by standing there in that same spot she just happens to know where he is now?

Miss Narrator: Sure – sounds reasonable…

Ditto: Of course it does.. so where is he?

Miss Narrator: In the spooky old abandoned amusement park.

Ditto: There’s an old abandoned amusement park here? Where are we, Gotham City?

Miss Narrator: Actually, it’s the old abandoned Hyde Park fraternity house, but I thought ‘spooky old abandoned amusement park’ sounded less creepy than a frat house.

Ditto: That doesn’t make any… oh wait, you’re right. It is less creepy than ‘frat house’, especially in a kids game.

Miss Narrator: Exactly. To get into the ‘old abandoned amusement park’ you’ll need three sets of lock picks – you’ll need to defeat the local hooligans to find them.

Ditto: OK, why three? Seems like just one would do the job here…

Miss Narrator: Three is my lucky number.

Ditto: Wow, yeah… Didn’t see that coming.

Miss Narrator: That’s my job, keep you on your toes….

Ditto: Now my head hurts… Can we get on with this?

Miss Narrator: So Ditto and Madame Jasmine stalk through the rooftops of Hyde Park, looking for Hooligans to duel. Of course, seeing as how they had spent the previous hour or so dropping meteors on every criminal around, the Hooligans proved more difficult than usual to find. Most were hiding under benches.

Ditto: Drop a dozen meteors on a residential area and suddenly everyone’s a critic. Jeeze…

Miss Narrator: After several daring – and mostly meteor-free – battles, Ditto and Madame Jasmine had the three lockpicks and, more importantly, the address of the spooky old abandoned amusement park where Baxter was surely being held captive.

Ditto: If he’s not there, I’m going to pick some new targets for me meteor-dropping…..

Miss Narrator: tune in next time as Ditto and Madame Jasmine finally find Baxter!

Ditto: We do?? Seriously??

Miss Narrator: But it may already be too late! What terrible fate awaits our heroes in the spooky old fraternity amusement house park?? Join us here on the Daring Adventures of Ditto and find out!!

Ditto: Now even I’m confused….

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